Monthly Archives: December 2012

Guns guns everywhere, but nary a man who thinks

I originally wrote this back in [Tue Apr 24 13:53:33 2007] on my old website. Seems worth repeating today. You can browse for it at

The thing that frightens me most, after the wake of the Virginia Tech shooting, was all the people I met who thought it would be a good idea if everyone in the university were carrying a gun. It’s simple really – guy shows up in a classroom toting a gun in a threatening manner, everyone pulls out their guns and mows him down, disaster averted.
Well it certainly set me off. Thinking this was just the opinion of a lunatic fringe that has no idea what a University should look like, how a safe and open atmosphere needs to be cultivated so people can freely exchange thoughts and ideas, I kept repeating to others “can you believe people actually think everyone should carry a weapon everywhere they go?” And time and time again, I was met with a pause, then a “what’s wrong with that?”
I was so flummoxed that I went to the local bar – hardly a place to discuss gun restrictions – and drank myself silly. But then, as I went to puke in the toilet, and I fell forward and hit my head on the porcelain, Jesus came to me and explained everything. He explained exactly how if people were armed, everywhere and all the time, the world would be a better place.
And here I present to you, straight from my personal lord and savior Jesus, a list of the top ten spots where people should be able to carry guns to prevent possible attack:
10. The shower. Would Norman Bates have stabbed that poor girl in the shower if she was within arms reach of a 9mm?
9. Political rallies. You never know when a crazy gunman can come in…
8. White House press briefings. In fact, if we did this right, who’d need a secret service?
7. Pre-schools. In fact, the sooner you can teach your infant to carry a gun, the safer they’ll be from predators and childless lesbian baby-snatchers.
6. Those swimmers in Jaws. Nothing like an AK at sea to ward off sharks…
5. Congress. We can both get rid of metal detectors and stop all that liberal backtalk.
4. Parliament. That 12-foot space between parties in Parliament to symbolize the length of a lance? Only a brit could think up that faggoty idea!
3. The boardwalk. I feel so much more comfortable and safe now that everyone’s got a pitbull on a chain, everyone with a gun should be paradise.
2. Work. If everyone carried a gun, nobody would ever go postal.
1. Ban chopsticks – bring guns and stilettos back to the dinner table.
Some other honorable mentions –
Schools. This didn’t make it, because we’ve already got schools where everyone totes a gun, and we know what paradise those places are. I see all the rich families busing their kids to those.
Parks and playgrounds really fall in with the other categories.
Hospitals. We’re closing all those down anyway so it’s not a significant location.